Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
