I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize