I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
