A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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