all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
