My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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