So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
