I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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