i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
