the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
