So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Blood and glitter go together right?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
