Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
