after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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