we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
