Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
