Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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