i wish my penis had a tongue
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
