GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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