Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
