I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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