How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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