I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i would punch a child for taco bell
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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