oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
