Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
