Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
