oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
