The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Girls should come with a carfax report
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
