All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
