I intend to get homeless drunk
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
