Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
