I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
