I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
