Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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