She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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