i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
