I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i think im in europe. pls send help
did i just pee glitter
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
