Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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