She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
