I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I came so hard my ears popped.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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