You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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