her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
