Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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