she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
