My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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