why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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