I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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