cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
