The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
