She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
