So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
