if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
