Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
