If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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