All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Someone signed my nipple.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
