I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
