Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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