I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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