Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
